Fatherhood in 2020: A Challenge

Life, like a video game, comes at us in stages and each stage has it own unique challenges. In Stage 1, we are born and have to figure out how to eat, sleep, move, and other basic life skills. In Stage 2, we learn to walk, talk, and become functional (and usually adorable) little, sometimes dressed, humans. In Stage 3, we gradually become more independent and start to dream about our future. In Stage 4, we become the ever dreaded teenager and have the task of balancing our own independence against the need for others to help us when we don’t have an answer (which is, of course, never because teenagers know everything). Stage 5 gets us out of the extremely hormonal teen years and into the not usually quite as hormonal early adulthood. It was in this stage of life that I took on a calling that will quite possibly last me a lifetime or longer: Fatherhood.

Fatherhood is something that challenges even the best of men, so for me, it was beyond daunting. I wanted to be a good father and teach my kids all they needed to know so they would be ready to take on the world once they left the homestead. While that isn’t a realistic goal, it kept me busy at any rate. Eventually, I ended up with five kids that looked to me when they wanted to see how a man behaves and reacts to a situation, at which point I would refer them to an 80’s action flick. After my wife repeatedly told me that fists, guns, and explosions weren’t acceptable solutions, I started trying to set an example they could follow. Usually, while I handled most situations without a shred of grace, I got through them well enough to give my kids the general idea of how the matter should be handled. I eventually got to the point where I was feeling pretty good about myself and, at one point, even dared to think that I was a half-decent dad. Apparently, God saw my swelling ego and decided that something had to be done, lest my head explode and cause a messy scene. That something is what most people refer to as “2020”.

Now, I’m not saying that the massive mess that is (or was, depending on when you’re reading this) 2020 is solely my fault, but I need to take responsibility for my part in it. That being said, me and my family have gone through our share of unique challenges this year. Allow me to go through one of them for your entertainment.

Challenge: Homeschooling/Distance Learning

Before I get into this, I know that there is an argument that distance learning is not the same as homeschooling. In this article, I’m not going to distinguish between the two because I don’t care. With that being settled, I can move forward. For clarification, I live in Davis County, Utah, so my experience may not exactly reflect yours, but the idea will be the same.

When the news of the pandemic first began making news, around March of 2020, I was skeptical to put it lightly. I know that the news is a business and needs viewers to make money, and drama usually attracts viewers, so I didn’t pay much heed to the reports. As time went on, the reports became more dire and I rolled my eyes as the news was certain the world was about to explode. While that didn’t happen, the next best thing did- all schools closed down around April and kids were sent home to finish the year. Let the games begin.

I have to be honest and say that this change didn’t affect me directly because, throughout this entire pandemic, I’ve gone into the office for work. This left my wife to help four kids, ages 13 (who has ADD), 11 (in an advanced student program), 10 (who is autistic), and 6 (who’s just a jerk), get though the rest of the school year. While I didn’t have to sit with the kids and navigate through the constant confusion that came each day, I did have to deal with the daily aftermath. Soon after distance learning started, I began getting multiple phone calls from my wife telling me how stressed out she was and how much it sucked trying to be a teacher to four kids in four different grades while trying to run her own business and take care of our 72 year old mother-in-law who lives with us due to several health problems that prevent her from taking care of herself. I would come home to everyone being stressed out and frustrated with the situation and with each other. My evenings were spent listening to seven people vent to me about their day. Well, six, because my 4-year-old was, and still is, oblivious to what’s going on, which must be nice and proves that ignorance is indeed bliss. As a husband and father, I felt like there wasn’t much I could do. I couldn’t reopen the schools, I couldn’t work from home and help my wife out, and I couldn’t force the kids to behave and focus on a computer for several hours a day. I wanted so badly to help my family, but couldn’t think of how. It was tough to get the kids out of the house and give my wife a break because it seemed like everything had shut down, even public parks. So, I did the best I could. In the evenings, I sat with kids that needed help getting assignments done and turned in. This allowed my wife to take a walk or go into our room and decompress for the evening. On the weekends, I would try to play with the kids in the yard, play board games with them, or go on walks with them around the neighborhood to get them out the house. Some nights, my wife and I would go to a store and just spend some time shopping and talking. They weren’t the most romantic date nights, but they served their purpose.

Some people may ask, “That’s great, but what did you personally do to de-stress?” First of all, I’d like to thank those people for their concern. This world is truly a better place because you’re in it. To answer the question, I was able to do a few things. I am fortunate enough to work at a place that has a fitness center, so got some exercise each day and burned off some aggression and stress. Also, playing physical games like football or wrestling with my kids helped. I started writing a journal that I would write in whenever I needed to unload a truck full of emotions onto paper. I had (still have) a bunch of projects to do around the house and, while not every project was a joy, sometimes the feeling of accomplishment can help a person view life with a little more positivity. Finally, I would talk to my wife. I didn’t unload on her because, in my mind, she was already filled to the brim with problems and worries, but I would tell her a few things. Enough to get my stress down to a manageable level.

So, there you go. I’m sorry if my story is all too familiar and I didn’t provide some amazing insight or life-hack on how to deal with the challenge of distance learning. All I can say is that I took each day at a time and had to play with the cards I was dealt. Sometimes you get a bad hand and your best option is to fold before you get in too deep. Folding doesn’t mean giving up, it means your guarding resources to be better used at a later time. I didn’t always have good answers for my wife’s questions or a nugget of wisdom to give a child struggling with school. Sometimes all you can do is listen and, sometimes, that’s enough. Most fathers I know hate to say they don’t know something. As a father, it seems like you’re supposed to have the answers to life’s mysteries. Unfortunately, many of those answers only come after you’ve lived through a certain experience. I can say that if another pandemic comes around, I’ll have more answers than I did before this one started. Then I’ll be cool.